Enduring the Cry: The Best Gift Dads Can Give Their Partner
Sleep training offers dads the perfect opportunity to step up and really help.
I see you, dads. More and more of you are striving to be equal caregivers alongside your female partners. But even with the best of intentions, it can prove challenging.
For mothers who give birth, the physical and mental toll alone cannot be matched. There is no set number of pillows you can shove behind your pregnant partner’s back that will make up for what they are going through.
You can run around like a little mouse, washing dishes, folding clothes, running errands—you can work your ass off trying…trying…to equally shoulder the burden. But at the end of the day, you can still put on your socks. And she can’t. And you are nothing. And she is everything.
Okay, you’re not nothing. You’re a vital piece of the puzzle. And I know it can sometimes feel like you are desperately searching for more ways you can be helpful.
But I’ve got a juicy one for you. Are you and your partner thinking about sleep-training your baby? If so, get ready for the best gift you can give your partner.
There are certainly sleep-training methods that require very little crying. Typically, they take a lot longer. Chances are, you’re going to need to endure some crying from your baby while they learn to put themselves to sleep.
Many studies have been done tracking the differences in the mom’s brain vs. the dad’s brain in response to a crying baby. According to brain scans, crying babies may seem louder to women than men. When a mother hears her baby cry, her brain switches from a rested state to an attentive state, and her brain regions associated with emotional processing become more active. This indicates that mothers perceive a baby's cry as an emotionally important signal that needs their attention.
In short, a crying baby can be torturous to a mother. And while it can be unpleasant to a dad as well, studies show it is likely a bit more bearable. You’re scientifically built for it! It’s your time to shine! Get that gold star!
So here is what you do: Tell your partner that you are going to take the lead on sleep-training the baby. Gather all the books, all the articles, and come up with the method you both agree on. The first two nights are going to be the most challenging.
So tell Mom she gets two nights off. She can stay with a friend or family member, or even better, book her a nice hotel for two nights. And then it’s all you, Dad.
Yes, it will be hard. But so was growing a human person in your body. Endure the crying, endure the sleepless nights, and rip off that sleep-training band-aid while your partner is blissfully unaware of the hell you are going through. Send her a picture of the sleep monitor once the baby is (finally) asleep and be like, “All good over here!” Don’t update her every time the baby wakes up. Follow your sleep-training plan, and just GET IT DONE.
As dads, I know sometimes we just want to seek the approval of our partners. We want to know we are helping to meet their needs, especially during the fourth trimester. If you can single-handedly get your baby to sleep through the third night without your partner having to hear those blood-curdling screams, you’ve given her something truly meaningful.
Keep looking for those selfless acts. Remember, biology is not fair when it comes to producing children. You can always do more. So do more. Get that gold star.
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