Bonding with Your Baby Takes Time—And That's Okay
Movies, TV, and Instagram love pushing the narrative that your life will be immediately better after having a child. Here's your dose of reality.
Did you know…it is a fact that when your baby is born, your life will instantly become better? The second you lay eyes on that newborn, you’ll understand a love you’ve never felt before. Your entire purpose for existing will become clear, your third eye will open, and you will majestically float up into the sky—seeing all, knowing all, being all. Your spirit will separate from your body and become one with the spirit of your child, and forever, you two shall be entwined as you hurdle through time and space, enjoying a happiness that mere mortals will never understand.
Oh wait, I’m sorry, I misspoke. What I meant to say is that everything will be harder. All the time.
At some point, somewhere, someone thought it would be a great idea to spread the lie that an instantaneous bond with your newborn is a guarantee. And while yes, I’m sure many people experience it, I sure didn’t. And it made me feel like a pile of trash.
The moment I first laid eyes on my oldest daughter, I thought, “Should it look that blue?” As I waited for my third eye to open, I noticed them rush her over to some high-tech table, where they started slapping her around, trying to get her to turn pink. Fear took over, and the seconds turned into hours.
“Okay,” I thought. “So…I’ll wait until that’s all sorted. Surely then, I’ll experience that magical, mystical love I’m supposed to feel right now.”
The blue thing eventually turned pink, and I watched as my wife held her and tried to get her to latch. Things were finally calm. But I was so tired from not sleeping for 48 hours. Obviously, I can’t reach nirvana with so little sleep.
No worries! I’ll try and sleep a little, and when I wake up, then I can work on intertwining myself with the essence of this beautiful thing—I mean baby—and I’ll get that rush of love everyone keeps talking about.
Only I didn’t get a chance to sleep. For 8 months, I didn’t get a chance to sleep. And all the while, this goddam baby kept screaming and peeing and pooping all over me.
Seriously? Fuck this baby.
It just keeps looking all over the place like it’s tripping on mushrooms while I try my best to be—I don't know, a dad? Am I a dad?? Is this how a dad thinks? Or am I just some poor asshole who got stuck caring for this selfish bag of crying skin?
Why am I having all of these dark thoughts? Have I made a terrible mistake?
The more I’ve talked to new dads, the more I’ve heard similar stories. And the stories come riddled with shame. Almost like they have to look around and whisper it, or else they’ll be found out as some sort of evil man who hates their children.
But this needs to be discussed more. Bonding takes time—a lot of time. Bonding earlier doesn’t make you a better parent, and bonding later doesn’t make you a bad parent.
And “bonding” isn’t a black-and-white word, as it’s often used. It’s a journey you take with a new life—for better or worse. Some days, you’ll feel more connected with your baby, who, by the way, can’t even connect yet. And other days, you’ll feel like heading out the door and taking a long, indefinite walk.
Going from no children to one child is such a monumental shift in everything you know. The last thing you need is some unrealistic expectation of what it’s supposed to be like. You can and should be forgiven for crying in a fetal position in a corner where no one will find you.
So what do you do? Keep at it. Keep putting in the work. A bond doesn’t happen because your new baby likes your personality. It happens when you care for them. When you meet their needs. It happens through changing diapers, feeding, holding, singing, waking up and picking them up—over and over and over again.
If you do that, eventually, you’ll form a true connection. It can take months to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But the best thing you can do in the meantime is forgive yourself. Let go of any shame or guilt. You will very likely be a total mess of a person as you readjust to your new life. And that is more than okay—it’s perfectly normal.
Having a newborn can be incredible. But it can also be extremely dark. And sometimes, that darkness can feel all-consuming. Talk about it. Talk about it with your partner. Talk about it with your friends. And talk about it with soon-to-be dads. Let them know what may be coming. And let them know you’ll be there to listen.
They’ll feel less alone. And that gives them a fighting chance.
We’d love to be in touch! Submit your own story here. Follow us on Instagram.